Sunday, October 22, 2006

Potential (part one)

When someone tells you that you have great potential, what does that mean to you?

I knew one Christian family whose dad tried to motivate his two sons by praising their potential. One of his sons was encouraged by the fact that his dad saw promise in him, even though this talk usually followed some kind of reprimand. He knew that his dad believed that he could do whatever he set his mind to; he was not forever defined by his behavior as a teenager.

His brother, on the other hand, heard an entirely different message. His dad also spoke of his great potential after he had made a poor choice. However, this boy was not convinced that his dad saw the good in him, because he saw no good in himself. As a result, “you have great potential” to him meant “you are not good enough as you are.”

The two sons grew up. One son became a Christian; the other did not. The Christian son got a college education, married a Christian woman, and had his own sons who also became Christians; the other did not. The Christian son held a respectable job and provided for his family all of his life; the other did not. His life involved drugs, alcohol, crime, failed marriages, numerous jobs, depression, and anger.

What went wrong? Here were two boys raised by the same parents in the same Christian home, with the same upbringing, hearing the same words, yet, their lives took two decidedly different turns that affected generations to follow in very different ways.

One obvious difference between these two boys was their self-esteem, which was deeply affected not only by environment, but their response to that environment. We have all heard stories of children born to wealth who squander their life away, or the inspiring stories of children who grow up in extreme poverty or neglect, only to use that as a catalyst to building a life of achievement and purpose.

A poor self-esteem filters in negative thoughts and words in to further reinforce how that person esteems or values himself. How often do you say things to yourself like, “I am so stupid”, “I have no friends”, “I am so fat (ugly, dumb, fill-in-the-blank)”, or “Why do I do the same dumb things over and over?”

In contrast, a good self-esteem filters in constructive thoughts and words. “Ok, so I blew it. I know I can do better next time.” “It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything with a friend. I need to reach out to others more.” “So I’ve gained a few pounds. Here’s what I need to do to get my eating and exercise back on track.”

A person with a good self-esteem will recognize their shortcomings and weaknesses, but rather than be defined by them, will identify them, own them, and strategize ways to deal with them.

Perhaps what we need is not more self-confidence, but more God-confidence, confidence in God to love us no matter what, confidence in his promises, and confidence that he will mold us and shape us to do his will. How differently the lives of the other son and the generations that followed him would have turned out had he truly understood and accepted the magnitude of God’s unfailing love.

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,

whose confidence is in him.”

Jeremiah 17:7

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